Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A mother's LOVE

I am at the point where i am asking myself do I love my baby enough? Do I really care for him?
I mean i know i love him so much, but sometimes i feel like he doesn't sense it. I get upset with him lately from very simple things and end-up shouting at him, and not paying attention to him.
It is very difficult for me, i am not complaining, being a mom with no help but from my hubby. And how much can he help? He works from morning till evening, before he leaves for work, at 8am, he will give our son his milk and we then have breakfast together. At night when he comes home Joshua is sleeping already. No way he'll wake him up just to say hello or for a kiss, it's not good for his sleep. He does go inside the room and looks at him for a while and sometimes he will say a prayer for him.
I love my hubby, i do not blame him for anything, he is so responsible and takes good care of us. But sometimes it feels so overwhelming being alone at home with my son. I am talking to the walls all over my house, at least that's what it feels like. He is just 15months, how much can he understand? Or how much attention can he pay to me or my endless talking. I sing to him, i explain everything that i am doing, i read books, etc, you name it i do it.
Maybe people should get somekind of manual of what to expect once you have a child. You think you've done with night time feeds by 4 months, and endless sleepless nights, and cryings etc. No you're not. It keeps going on and on and on...
This is it, you just have to keep going, how do i do it?
Journals, remembering how fun he can be, looking into his eyes and seeing the innocence, getting a hug when asked, and the best one - laugh as loud as I can when I can. It may take a long time till the next one.

Love and hugs!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010




I want everybody to understand how dangerous is to shake your baby.
I know how difficult it is to handle a baby cry, specially when they cry non-stop. But as adults we have to understand that crying is their way to comunicate with us, tell us that smth is not right.
My son used to cry for hours when he was 2-5 months old. I would try to sing, swing him, check his diapper, feed him, nothing would work. The best advice i got from friends, other mothers, internet, was to just put him into his crib and get out of that room for few minutes, regroup and recharge myself, after my mind was clear and i was calmer, i would go back and while taking deep deep breaths placed him on my chest, both lying on the bed comfortably, he would stop. He would love to feel the calmness of my breath and the slow heart beat.
It was just so simple to handle this...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

love being pregnant

No, no i am not pregnant yet, i guess, but i enjoyed being with my first baby. Even though i had 5 months of sickness, i still had a good time. There was a connection between me and my baby that i can't describe. It felt even strongger when he started to flip around in my belly.
Loved to walk around and show everybody that i am pregnant, i think people all around could see the happiness on my face.
My hubby used to tell me every day that i was the most beautiful prengnant woman he'd ever seen, he still tells me that i am beautiful. I guess right now i miss being pregnant, my friend has a 13 month old baby boy and is pregnant again. i don't envy her, but i wish i would be in her shoes.
After i gave birth it felt like a part of me has been taken away, felt "empty" inside. Although i had my baby in my arms and could enjoy him and see and play with him, there was still something missing.
Don't know what to call that, maybe it was post-partum depression, or someting else.
Sometimes you think that being pregnant means strechmarks, getting fat, bloating, nausea etc. Yeah it does involve all those things, but it also involves happiness, beauty, miracle and all the nice thing that you wouldn't expect to feel. I love being a mom, with all the stress that comes around. But i love being pregnant as well. But then, i only want 2 babies, so i will try to enjoy to max my next pregnancy, when it will come.
God bless al pregnant women and those who want to be pregnant!!!