I am at the point where i am asking myself do I love my baby enough? Do I really care for him?
I mean i know i love him so much, but sometimes i feel like he doesn't sense it. I get upset with him lately from very simple things and end-up shouting at him, and not paying attention to him.
It is very difficult for me, i am not complaining, being a mom with no help but from my hubby. And how much can he help? He works from morning till evening, before he leaves for work, at 8am, he will give our son his milk and we then have breakfast together. At night when he comes home Joshua is sleeping already. No way he'll wake him up just to say hello or for a kiss, it's not good for his sleep. He does go inside the room and looks at him for a while and sometimes he will say a prayer for him.
I love my hubby, i do not blame him for anything, he is so responsible and takes good care of us. But sometimes it feels so overwhelming being alone at home with my son. I am talking to the walls all over my house, at least that's what it feels like. He is just 15months, how much can he understand? Or how much attention can he pay to me or my endless talking. I sing to him, i explain everything that i am doing, i read books, etc, you name it i do it.
Maybe people should get somekind of manual of what to expect once you have a child. You think you've done with night time feeds by 4 months, and endless sleepless nights, and cryings etc. No you're not. It keeps going on and on and on...
This is it, you just have to keep going, how do i do it?
Journals, remembering how fun he can be, looking into his eyes and seeing the innocence, getting a hug when asked, and the best one - laugh as loud as I can when I can. It may take a long time till the next one.
Love and hugs!!!